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Then And Now

Meeting the first time was so simple, looking back. I know it didn't seem so at the time, but it was.

You just met people through your friends and if you sort of liked each other enough, you'd start to go out. So I dated a bit and then I met someone. Sex happened when it happened, for me it was six months after we met. I know that's a really long time, but it was the first time and it kind of seemed OK, it would never happen like that now.

We didn't have to worry about how much money we had because neither of us had any, we didn't even own cars (and when we did, we both bought old second-hand ones worth a few hundred dollars each). Wed just finished school.

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We didn't care that we were into different things, studied different subjects, or that our parents didn't like each other, why would we? In some ways I think it cemented us. We had everything to work out ahead of us and none of it mattered.

I remember making the decision that I was 'in love' and wanted to have my future with this person and so we did. I don't remember doubting if he liked me, or if we were compatible or any of those other things, there was no reason to, we just did it. Most of all I don't remember questioning myself: asking if I was good enough, or OK, or ready, or good enough (did I already say that?). I just assumed I was. Maybe it wasnt that simple but that's how I remember it.

Now it's different. Now I feel uncertain, nervous, fearful. I don't want to get in too deep, I don't want my kids to get involved, I don't want to put my life in someone elses hands, I don't want to share, I don't want to risk and I don't want to let my defenses down. It doesn't feel safe and there's a voice in my head saying, don't get carried away, be careful, be smart, remember what happened last time?

Now, I find something wrong with every man I meet (of course you can if you look for it) and if not, they find something wrong with me (I'm relieved if they do though, I am dodging a bullet after all). Truth is, I don't know if I can do it again, or deep down, really want to.

So now I have to decide, which is more dangerous, looking back, or moving forward?

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Posted in Dentistry Post Date 02/09/2016